My reflection on human's behaviour.

  I have not written anything for a while now even thought I told myself that I will try to write contents more often. However, I also felt that it is unwise to just put up any feelings/rants here. It must at least contain something beneficial or meaningful.

I resigned from my job 2 weeks ago, due to personal reasons.

How should I start this. 

I have been jobless for the past 2 weeks, and I had been thinking of what the therapist told me in regard to my issue. The therapist said that due to my inner issues, I have been slacking and not productive.

I was thinking of that just now, of it. 

Is it true that human is not innately lazy? At first I want to say that human is amalgamation of its background, history and experience. They create on how we emulate ourselves towards certain topics, or issues, or give us perception on certain things. Similarly in regard to racism, some said it was taught to us by those around us. We are not innately racist, but was taught to be racist.

However, when I reflected on it again, we are actually driven towards things that we want to do. We will be lazy/procrastinate if it does not interest us. If we want to be overachievers, we have to focus on our interest. What motivates us to do something. What pushes us to go for it.

When we look at it, we can be lazy in certain aspects of our live as we are driven to do other things.

I believe that I do not have the motivation to pursue the work that I did. Therefore, I have to leave before it impacts my team. I feel ashamed for it. Rather than bringing the team down, I left without making any plan for myself.

Now, I am currently planting grapes [measure land], or however you put it.

I am more relax now. My mind is free, and I can think and do things that I have not done for a while.

I am currently driven to make myself become healthy and fit. Healthy and fit in mind and body.

Wish me luck.

Thank you.

A True Confession of ME

If you truly know me, I am a melancholic guy. I think damn a lot ~

I have a lot of deep rooted issues that I have to struggle every single day.

I gave excuses to myself. Sometimes I felt that I play victims just to seek pity. Who am I really? I always feel that my being is an imitation of everyone that I met or know. I took their traits and mixed them into me. I am unoriginal. A being that only live on by taking energy from other people.

I'm a scare little guy.  I scare if what I wants are unachievable by me.

Fears always have been the things that stop me moving forward.

I can feel the change that I'm now is different than what I was. Now I am a timid and scared guy.

I still remembered when I was still in USM. I was very bold and upfront during basketball. I can hustle. I can rebound. I am not scare to engage with opponents.

Debating was my favourite past time in UiTM. I joined debating clubs. Even though sometimes I got cold feet but I still joined the competitions. It was GREAT!

Meek is what I will call myself now.

I do not know if this is the aftermath of the accident but it changed me, not just physically but mentally.

This 2019 is the worst. I feel disconnected with people.

Whenever I go play basketball, or just anywhere. Even at work, I don't feel that my presence really do any justice.

I need to better myself. Focus on myself. Prioritize!

Many times my right leg went limping and I feel down every single time. A weakness that keep me from playing properly and do anything properly.

My latest accident in 2017 did me good also. My right shoulder keeps on cracking if I do certain movement.

I think that's all for now. Goodnight ~

Untitled Title Post

I have no idea what I should put as title.

I am unable to sleep and the things that have been happening these few days made me think of something.

I believe, the best way to end one's life is by self-drown, not by infliction by others. It has to be voluntarily as there will be resistance if it is done other way.

It would be painless and effortless.

I realized that after my first possible near death experience of drowning at the waterfall in Perlis many years back. It was calming and I just can let go.

And my recent experience of diving (which I will include why I went diving and all in other story), made me realized the same thing as well. It is that easy.

Unlike how the popular believe on the slitting of the veins on the arms or jump off a high building.

I do think that both will have major backlash should you failed. Either you are left handicapped or just paralyzed. You will be lucky to have it end, then and there.

I feel that those are more painful way to die.

In the same line of thought with drowning, overdosing with pills, especially sleeping pills would make you pass away, peacefully, in sleep.

However, all of these are solely based on my own perspective.

One way to know is to go thru it :P

Insomniac Epiphany

I had an insomnia a few days ago.

As usual my brain activity will go on full brain storming mode.

I thought of something - ending one's life.

Then it got to me, if I end someone, then it will be trial for murder.

The possible outcomes are either capital punishment or life imprisonment.

The end goal is to get capital punishment but the works that I had been doing made me think of something.

We do not give what people's want. In that sense, why cut it short and let them an easy way out.

So, it is possible that I would get life imprisonment. Wouldnt that be very awful!

I wouldnt get what I want and still will be alive.

In gist, never give people what they want.

Bike vs Car - The battle of my life

What can I say, "Malang tidak berbau".

I learnt my lesson from last time, I really do.

This happened last Sunday , 18 March 2018 at SS2, near Petron station around 11:35am.

I was on my way back home after a morning balling in UM and I had a basketball competition later on in Shah Alam around 1:00pm.

I had a light headache then as I didn't have any breakfast and I played quite for a long time in the morning. 

5to5 games from 9am until 11am. I played around 4 to 5 games.

I guessed staying hydrated wasn't enough as I didn't feel up my tummy with anything solid.

Anyway, at the intersection in front of SS2, Petron turning into the Thursday Night Market area, in front of me was a Toyota cruiser.

After both of us made the turn inside, I noticed that the car slowed down and made a slight distance from the divider which was on our right. 

I actually thought to myself that this driver might want to make a U-turn here but I didn't see the right indicator blinking.

I drove on his right side, as he hugged abit on the left side. I am on the driver line of sight, so I roder pass him and out of nowhere, he suddenly made the U-turn which I had expected.

I was shocked. I tried to break but my instinct just told me to brace for impact.

I hit the driver/passenger door.

No honk was sounded by me. In a split second I realized that I am on the road, lying down while still stuck on the bike and the car still didn't realize that he hit me.

After awhile only he looked outside and below and saw me under there. My bike stuck to his car.

He knew he was wrong and tried to settle it there and then.

His wife was there too and they drove me to the nearest clinic to get me checked up.

It wasn't serious injuries so I felt quite relieved. 

I am not someone who will try to get benefit out from them or get profit out of it. After gauging at the damage of the bike, I asked him to settle for RM500.

All in all, the workshop told me the that the total cost is RM424.

I'm in luck, I have my limbs all intact and working.

So in the end, I missed my basketball game at 1pm. 

The Reader of My Blogs

To be honest, I am surprised to see that I have some viewers/readers.

I don't know who you are but I hope you aren't bore by my writing.

The content is non-existence. Thank you for reading.

Aftermath of August 2017

I hadnt update for quiet awhile now.

It wasn't because of I am procrastinating in updating the blog but there's an issue with my desktop.

It seems that my desktop is in sleeping mode, always. I had tried to do many things to see what's wrong with it and in the end, I found out it may be due to the graphic card. 

Okay, maybe I am lazy, lazy to change the graphic card.

Anyway, THAT isn't the story that I want to write here.

Yesterday and today - I noticed that my brain wasn't working properly.

In term of numerical sequence and memory.

Yesterday, I was given a set of 6 digit numbers and I messed up the numbers even though I was informed more than 3 times. I remembered the numbers but not the sequence. Bad right? I was surprised too. Haha (Yup, I am laughing at myself).

Today, I saw the photocopier at my office, the black big one. I stood there for awhile and thought to myself, "has it always been black?", "when did we change?". My memory seems blur-ish.

Afterward, I sat at my colleague's table to ask her something. I asked her on her in and out tray, whether it's new. She told me that I had asked about it 3 times, and I responded immediately that she should be expecting me to ask more time in the future. LOLx.

Alright, that's about it. I may want to contact my doctor on this soon if this recur again.

Until then, happy always.