The True Confession of a Trusting guy

I believe in people.

I believe in always to have good intention.

I hate when we prejudge people.

However, I know man cheats. Man lies. Man kills.

Not everyone in good, like wise not everyone is evil.

My life started to have the feeling of paranoia towards human when I was 17.

A friend. Someone I always consider A FRIEND in my social circle, lied to me.

I think, that was the first time I had someone blatantly lied to me. My wall of trust crushed that day. Crumbled. That was the first penetration which cracked and started it all. The first war that I had with myself.

As I got older, people... They are not worth to help, but we always want to have good things to be done to us. We should take the first step.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"

Now, I am reaching 27, I was cheated even more, and lied even further. I lost a lot. I lost too much. I am mentally scarred now. I am traumatized by how people can take my trust for granted and used it for their own benefit.

I trusted people too easily and too early. I have no ulterior motives. It was genuine. I thought the same to others. My wall has crumbled and to repair it. It would take forever.

In 2011, I spoke on this matter to my best buddy, Jack Izhar East. I told him of this issue. I can't trust people anymore, let alone be in relationship. He was very supportive, and understanding. He was always there for ups and downs. A true best friend of mine.

In 2015, someone took everything from me. It made me go through hell to get back up. The effect from the incident, lingers even now. However, I was lucky that I had someone to stand by me then, to support me. Without her, ElieLiLsnow, I would have literally killed myself then and there. It was by far the worst thing that happened to me. It topped 2011.

I am really grateful to have these two people in my life. Jack Izhar East and ElieLilsnow. They are the treasure of my life. I love them. I wish to grow old with them. However, I know I will never be able to do it. One got married with a daughter now, and another will be getting married soon.

I wish both of them all the best in their life regardless.

Coming back to trust. I am scared to trust but I force myself every single day. I want to believe in the good of man, even though my past experiences have showed otherwise.

A new breath

How long I had stopped writing. I feel ashamed to myself. Reading through all of my old posts, made me realize that I was a very different guy back then. 

The way I wrote, and how I think. Paiseh, that's all I can say to myself right now.

The only reason I remember this old blog as I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday, Jim. 

Talking to him, about my past, made me want to revisit this blog, which I did. I read most of my old posts, and I cried. I have changed too much that I barely recognized myself. 

I had gone through a lot and how can I forget that! Man forgets. 

Everyday is a new beginning, always try to be better than yesterday. I will.

Give me strength, give me support.

New posts and old posts, and other posts

Well this is going to be a short post. I am just informing my readers that I will be moving all of my posts into my poetry blogs, so I can keep in check of my poetry... ^_^ That is all...

To commemorate 14/12/2011, the most fortune event in my life...

Well, I was thinking of posting it at 14/12/2012, but I was lazy. I did not have the stackful of motivation to back me up in doing it. Plus, I was thinking of also posting the pictures, but I changed my mind as well...

Anyway, a year has passed since the incident that change my life, physically literally. I had my second surgery and now waiting for the full recovery.

A lot of people wonder why I have done that second surgery, and I will only say this to them, it is for the benefit of my health in the latter year. I wish that I did not do it, but I feel that it is compulsory for me to do it. The worst most regretful thing that I wish that I did not do is, seeing that Bomoh Patah. I do not want to get into the detail why I regret it, but I just regret it.

Now, here I am, not working for more than a year already. Do I regret for that accident, yes, but what can I do, I was not the driver. Who am I to blame, no one but only to myself for not being careful.

Anyway, I just wish that I will pass this predicament in a heart beat so I can continue my life. I am like a caged bird right now...

Reading Peepz

Well, I guess I am quitting in reading people, as I think I am just another fake in reading people up... As much as I believe in my capabilities, which is below 10, I think I need to leave these kind of people reading to the expert... It was fun though, all the reading that I have done, even if it is only with lower percentages to be correct but I did have fun.

I wish that, people will be true to themselves so I will not be wrong in the future =P

The calling?

Everyone, everywhere must be wondering what is their calling, and so do I. I have been trying to grasp the reality of life since I was small. I tried to understand the norm of human relation since I was still a toddler. I had been trying to satisfy everyone's desire and expectation since I was still a child. However, never in my life I have ever managed to understand myself.

One thing for a matter of fact is that, I do know that I am a lazy bump. I do thing when I feel like, but I was not like that when I was in high school. I love reading books and learn, well I do not like to study though. I love to run and sprinting, but I hate competing. I love to speak out and voice my opinion, but I am scared of being in the center of the attention.

My friends told me that I think a lot, I over think stuff, and I do agree on that part. However, without this side of mine, I would not be able to come up with pieces that require me to think a lot. I managed to write a few poems that I adore because of how I think. I managed to create my own identity because of how I think. I managed to be myself because of how I think. Sadly, I was not accepted wholly by my peers when I was in school. My way of thinking was rather different than them, that they thought that I am dispensable and pushover. I had never achieve the satisfaction of having a true friend; to have the best friendship can offer. I felt that  I always live in a dark.

All of those experiences had taught me to survive on my own. Since then, I could manage mostly anything on my own, even though I still yearn for the friendship that could support me.

All of those experiences had taught me to not only mingle in that small circle of friends. I now, have too wide of friendship that I now love them dearly and hope we all could have a reunion or a gathering or something.

All of those experiences had taught me to see different perceptive in life. It was a joyous memory to see the other side of the grass, and to walk in other shoes.

I had always thought that I am different from any other people. I am, different, I am unique but at the same time, I am just like any other bump who will fall down into the pressure of the society. I never had any strength in any particular field. I am bad with grammars and rules, I am mediocre in sports, I am just okay with arts and theatre, I am fine with poetry and story telling and novels, I am awful in teaching, I cannot persuade people, I have stage fright, I am scare of water and height and lots of other things, I am just plain hopelessly romantic, I am easily demotivated and a slacker, I never could cut a straight line using either scissors or knife, I am not good at motivating people, I hardly get mad at people, I easily annoyed by something, I have a very VERY high self criticism and so on and so forth.

My calling, I guess I will just be an average guy, with a normal life...

The True Confession of a Manga/Manhwa Reader

I love to read comics and manga and stuff. ONLINE especially... however some of the manhwa or manga that I have been following takes a really REALLY long time to get updated which is a very sad news for me at least.

I know that everyone who follows manga online would be extremely forlorn to see their manga has been updated after 2 months and above. and sometimes, the reader can even complain if the manga did not get up after a week.

To date, I have been following up with tons of mangas, and some of them did not even get updated for a year now, and some of the gets updated every single day, and some at least take a week to get updated.

I for one, tried not to be angry or anxious about it after I browse through all of the comments done by the reader in the message area. I for one, feel empathy towards  the scanlators, because they are doing it on their own free time. In fact, they do not even get paid and even fork up their own money to do this.

They are doing this because they love manga and manhwa and other times of online comic strips. It is very lucky enough that they have the time and the effort to share it to all of us online. We should be grateful for their efforts and thanks them for their contribution.

Not, by taunting them for their late updates because they do have a life too. It's not easy to be a scanlator. I am not saying that I am one, but I had a job being a translator once, and it was a pain the eyes and in the brain. Not everything can be translated directly, because the meaning might be different in English. You might be wondering what does this joke means, and what does this situation happening in the first place and such.

People or the readers, should take their time off and live life in the reality for once, and not wait for the manga to be updated every single time they went online.

The scanlators should give themselves a pat on the back for the job well done. You guys really done a great job and thank you for it...