A silver lining. A small hope in a small thing.

I know this is nothing, but just now, I saw a small hope that I have been waiting for. Its something that have been given me a big impact throughout this few weeks or days for that matter. I am not sure how long its has been.

Since the rise of facebook, I always aware that, it will play a vital role in everyone's life. People start to depend on it 24/7. Get update with friends, and know more people. Play games, rant about something. I found that, my life has been controlled by facebook in a way as well.

Seriously, I have been looking on the search and browse bars for days now. and, it really did happen. the miraculous thing that I have been waiting for...

But, I am glad that it is going to be just a dark memory. and I will try to be careful the next time.

I wished that, it didnt happen. but as long as there is a cure, I will be on to it. One of my friends said that I should just go with the thing that I want to do, but I always doubt it would work. and I need to plan things carefully. She also said that just give in to time.

And at first.. I seriously didnt believe on what she said... I just hope that time will cure the wound back and seal it off from my memories. Far far Far far away...

But, I know that, I also need to put my own effort into it.

God truly will close one door and open another, but it is up to us whether we want to move and make the effort to take the opportunity... I just hope that God gives me hint on when to tackle this calamity. this prolong problem. One of my friends, he said that, he always tried to tackle this issue ASAP. but what can I say, he is a CHOLERIC kind of person, and I am just a Phlegmatic plus Melancholic...

Anyway, this small hope, I will try to use it at the best. I wish the outcome will be good. I wish the dark period will pass quickly, really. hahaha T_T

Well, this is it. the time that I have been waiting for. Wish me luck and hope the outcome will be positive.

^_^

Be different, Be yourself, Be a change for someone else.

I do not know how to start this.

Maybe my way of doing thing is not the best, and maybe I am not good at all in it.

I wish I can lead people. I never lead people at all in my life, I was and am always being a follower.

I love to listen more than to talk even though I love to debate/argue about certain.

Sometimes, or not sometimes, EVERYTIMES, I always see flaw in myself.

I always tell people that I am not that too confident in my skill/strength and anything that I do.

Because I have self-criticism over 80%... which is VERY BAD. and I seriously cannot do anything about it. I have seen consultant. I have bought books and read them. Still none.

I wish I could do better, I want to do better. Every time before I go to bed, I chant to myself this few things. I am hardworking, I am confident, I am smart. I never feel comfortable with anything that I do. UNEASE UNEASE UNEASE...

I do find joy in anything that interest me, regardless, as long as I AM the one that FOUND it. I cannot be pushed in doing anything even reading.

Obviously I tried to change. Who wants to be a low self esteem phlegmatic melancholic introvert guy. Only stupid people do.

I tried to be friendlier and more confident. FAILED!

So, What can I say, what can I do? I wish I just could go out there and say what is in my mind. But, NO, I cannot. I can do harder. I will do harder next time.

Life must goes on, if you a jelly, you cannot be a concrete [cement], even as much as you compressed yourself, your physique would never be as solid as a concrete [cement].

I always say that I prefer if people say it honestly to me in front rather at the back, which is true.

I hate to lie, who does, thats why I always believe in the Golden Rule. Yes, I know that I sometimes lie, but I would not feel proud of it. I will try to amend it in a way, and sometimes I do tell the person that I lied to him/her.

Well, whats more to say, I do not regret it telling people what I have thought about them, or what I see in life. I wish people can live together even though they have different PERSPECTIVE about idea.

Just, a normal man. a normal guy. ME ...

P/S : yes,I wish that I am different.

Valentine's Day with my Love life

Since its going to be Valentine's day soon, I just to express something. There are only a few people know this, and yes, very very few.

I am always in dilemma if we talked about being in a relationship as currently, I am at a fork road. I do not know which one that I want to take.

Due we are living in a world where society matter [ to me it matters ], and people tend to give a false impression whenever they get the chance, I never did bulged from the place I am standing now. One move will make a HUGE different and change in my life.

I am at lost. Both moves will just made me at total lost. That is why I always created an escape route which is to be neutral/free/not taking side/do nothing.

Well, I do believe that doing nothing is a choice and a valuable choice. If you see in Avatar, Book 2 - Bumi advised Aang to seek an instructor skilled in neutral jing, or doing nothing (as Bumi himself put it, someone who "waits and listens")...

HAhahHa, some might reject this, well everyone will reject it when I say this to myself.. LOLx... anyway, thats what I think, so... yup... ^_^

Anyway, I am still considering the danger of the path and which one do I want to take and what to expect and to do.. you know, those menial things that one needs to do before picking side...LOL .. I HATE chooses....

Memorial of my late father

You have left us in 2005,
Now its 5 years have by passed,
To sow everything that you have grown,
To respect everything that you have done,
To see everything that you have left behind,

Leaving your maiden alone,
Forgot her not as she has not,
Loyalty and Dignity still intact,
Nothing will dwindle her journey,

You have done and did everything you could,
Left yourselves a legacy of nine-hood,
The independent Azura,
The persevered Azuan,
The adventurous Azuardi,
The insightful Azlan,
The determined Azila,
The visionary Azizul,
The congenial Azyyati,
The diligent Aznita,
The passionate Azri,

We will always remember you,
now, yesterday, and tomorrow too,
Pray is all that we could do,
Nothing more, nothing less, and nothing new,
Besides that we love you.

Blogging as blogger

I have stated in the first few posts that I am not a blogger, or at least I was not a blogger.

Anyway, I notice that A TRUE BLOGGER has one thing in common, avid blogging and stalking. Thus, I know that I am not a true blogger and I am not that much care for the title anyway. Heck, lolx, I thought when I opened up this blog, I will be one, but unfortunately, my enthusiasm decreases every day as I do not know what to blog about.

Anyway, I am not an avid blogger. I do not go blog just for the sake of self-express. Sometimes, I have to really really think, [mind you, this does not mean that i do not think a lot, which I DO], what topic should I put, that is appropriate for readers and my fellow viewers plus friends. I just hate to just put some random stuff, [ well sometimes I did post, =PP ], and got away with it... I love to put something interesting and at least will attract you. Okay, okay, I do sometimes put rubbish, but well, as you know, and I KNOW, you also put a little some of those in your blog, RIGHT???

Im not such an avid stalker. hahaha, well I do stalk people but not blog stalking but rather facebook stalking.. =PPP
Anyway, coming back to the point, I want to say that, a true blogger will venture into people blog as a daily routine on their life to read what other people have post or wait eagerly for a new post and even comment on them if they rarely post anything. Thus, I am not from this group of people, right... ^_^

Oh yeah, nahh.. I dont want to rambling about something else right now... I think I have made my point in this post. well, hope you guys will be looking forward for my new post and I even considered of opening another blog post for myself, for another purpose. ahaha, until then. have a great day. ^_^

Uprooting and Rerooting.

to root myself. I always try to understand myself. to know myself better. Because, I always try to ask myself, why I do this, not that. and why people do that not this. Such and such questions always overwhelm my head. Sometimes I feel that I am not normal, paranoid towards something that is intangible.

I don't know. I just don't know.

I feel that, some friendship is just superficial, for one own benefits. And I am not saying mine is based on that principle. Anyway, I always feel distance with the friendship conventionality... I don't know why, because, I always think that if one does one thing this way, it means something, while if one does it this way, it means something else all-over. I don't know, maybe my mind tends to think too much on detail and the reason for one action.

Anyway, I am not that close with anyone. I say so even though I have many closes and best friends is that, I am detachable. I an saying this because, my emotion is easily die from feeling any negativity, if you know what I mean. I wont easily cry, nor happy if something happened to someone. I might feel concern, but thats all. Just a concern.

I would say that, I am also having the hard time of my life to get in touch with my own people. I found it easier to be attach with other races. And that is a problem that I see as, I also will be alienated the time they code switch. You know how it feels.

Plus, honest to say, I am MORE attracted to other race than my own.. I SERIOUSLY dont know why. [and even if I know, which I know actually, why should I tell you... =PP ]...

Thus, right now, I am not feeling belonging to anything. I feel far, and lost. I am like a walking lost soul. Lost identity. Lost entity. Lost sheep. So, I thought of rooting back, but not sure whether here or somewhere else. I am still looking and searching... and thinking for the most part...

Until then, ... :-/

Life as a university student

I havent update my blog for quite a long time already. .. ... if you guys notice la.. hahaha... Anyway, I have a lotsssss of things to update on actually... but SOME are TOOO private to be published... until the thing resolved, I will not publish it... hahaha... Anyway, the main thing that i want to publish now is that, My theatre performance "Beta Gundah Gulana" will be confirm to be presented next year probably... Hoping it does, as my progress is quite slow... The thong about this theatre is that, I require to unlock my verbal expression skill. .. ... Not the typical acting skill which I am good at... hahaha... and verbal expression is what Im suck at... [I PREFER TO WRITE] ... =P

Anyway, one person did say to me this... "Good Luck in Acting"... and "You are going to do great in it".... FYI, this is more or less what the individual said to me okay, not the exact thing... and Im trying to believe in it, because, I havent believe in people for quite a long time already. Oh yeah, dont say I believe you okay reader... I always have my doubt in people but not this person. Well, hoping to do my best... as always... ^_^ okay, not like always I did my best... but you know what I mean... .HAHAHAHA

Im also trying to at least finish one of my books now... I will continually write it so I will be satisfied in my whole life and be able to prove to myself that I am not a halfway doer as what I believe myself now. Just pray to God Almighty to give me strength to finish this unnerving job...hahaha... but, I have no problem to finish a good or heck, excellent poem, and I had a few already for this semester... but its kinda about love now..haha... I, I will change my style again, and write about something else, but until I get the inspiration on something, my focus will be about love still... hihihihi...

Lets move on to another subject, ... hurm. what to talk about... DATES.... I found out that DATES are very good to people who want to lose weight or be frugal... HAHAH.. since it is cheap and will not make you obese so easily, I found that, DATES are my mean out of this routine life. I want to save my money... MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY, MONEY!!! haha, Iklan sebentar bersama The Apprentice... =P

Oh yeah, last but not least, I have deleted all my games in my laptop... :'(
how sad is that, but I need to get myself to see the real thing. the reality of life. If I want to proceed for a better living. I need to detach myself from game at least until I finished my semester. Then, I can relax... well, even if I am stressed. I found that games are not the best way to chill oneself. hahaha

So, is that all that I want to update for now. Hurm. I guess.... not... for now.
Chiow!