A True Confession of ME

If you truly know me, I am a melancholic guy. I think damn a lot ~

I have a lot of deep rooted issues that I have to struggle every single day.

I gave excuses to myself. Sometimes I felt that I play victims just to seek pity. Who am I really? I always feel that my being is an imitation of everyone that I met or know. I took their traits and mixed them into me. I am unoriginal. A being that only live on by taking energy from other people.

I'm a scare little guy.  I scare if what I wants are unachievable by me.

Fears always have been the things that stop me moving forward.

I can feel the change that I'm now is different than what I was. Now I am a timid and scared guy.

I still remembered when I was still in USM. I was very bold and upfront during basketball. I can hustle. I can rebound. I am not scare to engage with opponents.

Debating was my favourite past time in UiTM. I joined debating clubs. Even though sometimes I got cold feet but I still joined the competitions. It was GREAT!

Meek is what I will call myself now.

I do not know if this is the aftermath of the accident but it changed me, not just physically but mentally.

This 2019 is the worst. I feel disconnected with people.

Whenever I go play basketball, or just anywhere. Even at work, I don't feel that my presence really do any justice.

I need to better myself. Focus on myself. Prioritize!

Many times my right leg went limping and I feel down every single time. A weakness that keep me from playing properly and do anything properly.

My latest accident in 2017 did me good also. My right shoulder keeps on cracking if I do certain movement.

I think that's all for now. Goodnight ~

Untitled Title Post

I have no idea what I should put as title.

I am unable to sleep and the things that have been happening these few days made me think of something.

I believe, the best way to end one's life is by self-drown, not by infliction by others. It has to be voluntarily as there will be resistance if it is done other way.

It would be painless and effortless.

I realized that after my first possible near death experience of drowning at the waterfall in Perlis many years back. It was calming and I just can let go.

And my recent experience of diving (which I will include why I went diving and all in other story), made me realized the same thing as well. It is that easy.

Unlike how the popular believe on the slitting of the veins on the arms or jump off a high building.

I do think that both will have major backlash should you failed. Either you are left handicapped or just paralyzed. You will be lucky to have it end, then and there.

I feel that those are more painful way to die.

In the same line of thought with drowning, overdosing with pills, especially sleeping pills would make you pass away, peacefully, in sleep.

However, all of these are solely based on my own perspective.

One way to know is to go thru it :P

Insomniac Epiphany

I had an insomnia a few days ago.

As usual my brain activity will go on full brain storming mode.

I thought of something - ending one's life.

Then it got to me, if I end someone, then it will be trial for murder.

The possible outcomes are either capital punishment or life imprisonment.

The end goal is to get capital punishment but the works that I had been doing made me think of something.

We do not give what people's want. In that sense, why cut it short and let them an easy way out.

So, it is possible that I would get life imprisonment. Wouldnt that be very awful!

I wouldnt get what I want and still will be alive.

In gist, never give people what they want.