The True Confession of a Friend-Oriented Guy

I feel quite remorse in helping people these days. I think that I have done an extra mile to those that I met along the journey. Was the effort that I have done to them was meaningless. Was the effort that I have done towards them was not something that they wanted the first place? I could not help it to feel unappreciated. Was I being used by them... I could not help thinking that everything that I have ever done to people would not come as simple as that. Did I do something wrong. Am I not suppose to be waiting for Karma... LOL ... ( -_-)

I wonder sometimes, am I not suppose to be this kind of guy... who is happy just to see his friends, who is happy just to see his friends happy, who is happy just to hear news and updates, who is happy just to get in touch, who is happy just for his friends.

Sometimes, I do not think that I am fit to be this guy... I am not that rich to be there 24/7... I am not that free to be everywhere and anywhere anytime. I am not that humourous or a joker to entertain you everyday. I am not that intellectual to solve all of your problems... I am just not that awesome to be remembered.

HahaaHAHAha, I feel pathetic to write this, but, I need to put this out so I can feel better.

I know that, I will forget about this needless, and meaningless issue... It just me... seems to kind of forgive and forget everything that seems to happen to me.

DO I feel hurt, YES I AM and I WILL.
WHAT DO I do when I FEEL HURT,  NOTHING, revenge is not my strong suit.
What will I DO to NOT FEEL HURT, suck it up and move on, life is not easy, and not always you will get appreciated as what you should deserve.

Well, I think, I should just suck it up and move forward... I guess people will give reason for everything that they cannot do... REASONS and EXCUSES... but, even if I can detect whether they are lying or not... Well... I do not think I want to do anything about it... FRIENDSHIP is just too precious for me to do anything about it, sometimes... hahaha.... Am I just to wimp.. ?.. LOLx... or too kind... or to idiotic.. hahaha....

Anyhow, lets move on with our life knowing that NOT EVERYTHING that we do to others will come back to us...

The True Confession of a Lame Man

I was trying so hard to make myself look very strong sturdy and alive...I belief to myself that I can go through this... I tried to make people to believe that I am just sitting here, feeling nothing inside. But, every night, I actually could not sleep. I have these restless thought for the future hold... It has been how many months since I was unable to stand on my feet.... THREE SOLID MONTHS... I should have healed by now, but, I am not sure why... I am still disable... hopeless... I cried myself to bed, nearly every night whenever I miss my friends events or any happening thing that I could go, to be apart of. I really want to share the moment with everyone... Yet, I could only sit in front of my laptop and read status updates and posts, see pictures, and watch uploaded videos... I missed a lot of things... I am a friend person... I feel that I need to be a part of that moment... and whenever I could not be one, I will feel under the weather... Like right now... no comment needed there, I feel really ashamed... I could not go to my juniors and friends performances... Conventions that I wish to go... I feel that I am pretty useless...

People always say that they have a problem, and I would not say that mine is any larger than yours. However, I am not a strong willed man. Whenever I think of my next surgery... I feel quite scared... I will be given big shot on my spinals ... and insertion of needle on my hands... I could feel it now... Plus, feeling the doctors taking my blood to take the hemoglobin is painful enough... I an just not sure whether I can get through it...

But, I do wish that I can get through it and be happy and get on with my life... I want to travel and do art... I want to fly away and be free... I feel that I am really earth bound...  I feel that people look at me as someone hopeless and unable to do anything for myself... I am just lame temporarily... I will walk again soon... 

I am not going to be sad anymore... I will not be down... I hate to be under the weather... I had my negative moment once, in HTAA.... It was the first week when I met with the accident.... I was actually in the toilet and it was rather slippery, and I fell... that moment, I was really down, and nearly burst to cry... I was totally demotivated... I just could not believe that it happened to me... I always ask God why it happened to me... Why did I do to deserve this... I have always try to be friendly, nice and good thought towards people... I tried, I really do...  TT_TT

Anyway, that night, I myself, tried to get myself together by writing a poem... which it did make me feel better... Thus, I slept with red eyes and dried tears on my face.

This is the story of my life... a bed ridden man... stuck doing nothing but only to watch my friends success and my students growth...

Because, happiest memories are the priceless thing that everyone cannot buy... and I always cherish them always... does not matter how short did I spend with the person... I will remember it always... ^_^

Even though, how I much hate ground transport.. and even more for sea transport... I do feel that, travelling is one of the best thing to do... as I did that once... to visit my friends around Malaysia... and I miss doing so... looking forward to do it again... soon I hope... really soon...

Held my chin high and my head straight, to look forward for the future... ^_^