Blue and Yellow...

It just came across my mind... I seriously wonder why actually... You know, in Malaysia context. These two things actually have negative connotation. Only in Malaysia that you can see Blue is the denotation of Pornographic videos/films or even pictures. However, the common denotation of Blue is nowhere near it. If alien comes to Malaysia, they will wonder about it if the local says BLUE movies... So, where does this denotation of Blue comes from? and the origin of this connotation is just too puzzling. Well, the connotation of Yellow is easily identified as dirty, as we can see a lot of dirty things to be in yellow colour. Even so, it is only in Malaysia that you can see people say, Yellow minded a.k.a [otak kuning] ... So, we could see the origin and how the denotation of dirty to yellow. Anyway, yellow minded person is a person with nasty and pervertible mind.... Yeah, I was just wondering how Blue comes to be it... as it is easily explained for Yellow... Based on the surface matter.

Student - Teacher

I have been a student my whole life... the view and perspective that I uphold cannot be use when I am a teacher...

It is different as there are many expectations that I need to meet.

I have to take care of my behaviours and movements...  hahah.. so troublesome.. but at the same time, it teaches me to be quite proper.. I do realize sometime that I did some things wrongly.. I just hope that others learned from it... like me... hehehe... ^_^

but, I miss being a student.. huhuhu....

being a teacher is fun anyway.. haha

Teacher's circle

I have been a student in my whole life and I never thought and seen myself as a teacher.

I love being a student as I could learn. But now, I have to teach...

Previously, my friends are only students and peers-alike. However, now, my friends are teachers.

Having a small talks or a guy talks with my peers are great and normal, but when the circle of friends is teacher, it would be quite awkward. And it would be worst if the teacher is your old and former teacher that had taught you in class... >_<

Anyway, that is my dilemma... hahaha.... I felt awkward.... you should know how my face would look like...

DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!. .hahhahahahahaha......

Driving at dusk ~ After rain ~ Near cemetery

Last week, I drove alone home. It was after raining and it was getting dark. I turned the light on to shine the way. At that time, I was testing my bravery by going through the cemetery. It was quite a long road, my estimation was around 400 meters.

So, I drove on the road. I soon to realize that the rain made the dusk darker and foggy. Half way through the road, which was in front of the cemetery, I could not see the road anymore, and the fog could be seen to be enshrouding me. This was the first time I went through it. I could not feel that as if I was in a ghost movie or a thriller.  The car's light shone the road but I still could not see the road. I drove slower and slower, just to be careful. Even with high beam, it was futile. The one thing that scared me the most was the fog. It came in a huge number and made the road to be unseen.

rant of the day, sin of the day...

I was thinking of ranting about some people who do not know how to drive...

but, then again, I thought to myself, why do I want to do so?

I would just be wasting my breath and my energy...

So, I erased, my nearly published new post.. hahaha...

Why do I want to omit negative aura.... Better have positive aura...

Last Night, Tonight, Tomorrow Night...

Well, I can view these title in 3 perspective...

One in Islamic sight, Two in Malaysian sight and three in the world sight...

Firstly, in Islam, we are taught that new day starts after Maghrib. Thus, around 7ish pm, it is already the next day.

Secondly, in Malaysia, if that morning is Monday, that night would be Tuesday. It is nearly the same with the Islamic teaching but without the time frame mentioned.

Lastly, in norm, we would always think that the next day would start after 00:00 am.

Here, we can say that, the cultural differences between these group.

For Example:
If a muslim says, I will meet you tonight[as that time frame is Monday], does he/she meant the night after Sunday morning or the night after Monday morning...

I hope you can follow what I am saying.

Besides that, if the same person says, tonight was amazing, [by this time, it is already Tuesday morning]. The usage of past tense is questioned.

Even in Malaysia, we do not mean what we are saying.

For Example;

We always say [Khamis malam Jumaat], ~Friday Night [in Norm] ~Thursday Night [in Islam]

However, we always say, [The time frame is Friday morning]. Last Night was amazing. See the confusion here. Even though, Malaysian says the time frame after Thursday morning is Friday Night; we still think that it is last night when the time frame is Friday morning.

You can see more confusion in this context. How what and Where are the boundaries...

A lot of plans will be in ruin if the time frame is not standardize...

Let say, if I am using the norm time frame, and said tomorrow night we will going to have a party in my house. The listener is a muslim. Thus, he/she might come on that night as the context of tomorrow night in his idea is after maghrib of that following morning.

Therefore, I wonder, how can we survive if what we say is not what we meant?

When is Last Night, Tonight and Tomorrow Night actually???

^_^

Old School. Nostalgic Memories

I was really giddy when I went back to my old school...

I really could not held my sense of happiness in the midst of morning Monday assembly... My heart was brimmed with joy and I could not stop smiling...

Looking back front at the students, I could not imagine that I would stand on the stage as a fellow teacher, even as a temporary teacher...

My stomach was full with butterfly. I was acting quite awkward and smiling sheepishly at my former line of teachers.

Besides that, I still have my old friends who are now in form 5 and form 6. How young I am right now, to be a teacher...

But, I could not believed that I survived the first day of teaching...

Monday, I had my world turned upside down, as I had to teach History, Chemistry, Arts and even Morale education... I was supposed to teach English only, but these subjects made me jumped and shivered...

I managed to survive only barely from the first day, and tomorrow will be another new day... I hope the thing that I asked them to do, they will do it.

My God, help me survive these series of events... I am just a child, starting out in this working world only with my books in my brain...

Anyway, enjoy working~

Hair. Face. and You.

Have you ever wondered how can someone know what kind of hairstyle suits them....?

I did... and now I know how... It is the same with your knowledge of language...

It is innate... You will know when you see it...

That is how people know what kind of hair do suits them...

And, that is how I knew what kind of hairstyle suits me...

Perfection and Me

I always wonder why God has made me this way...

I had really low self esteem for who I was...

But, now, it only happened once in a while...

I had always envied those that have flawless features and excellent complexion...

Those that have desirable shapes and body...

Now, I know why God has created me this way...

Because, if I do have those incredible appearance, I would lose myself to the vanity, and snobbishness...

I have reconciled with myself for who I am now, and I am content with it...

I will make the best of me and will show the world, I can be great...

I want to be perfect in my own eyes...

Friday Realization

Well, how long since I want to write about this post.. LOLx.. like one month ago or more... hahaha...

You know how long I have been on kind of my spiritual journey...

Anyway, I went through a long journey.. from a secondary school brat into a fresh gradz...

I changed over the time... But when I was small, I always thought that I would not change, no matter what... However, reality struck me hard when I realized I changed so much that my old self might not believe on these changes.

I have fallen to the dark side and risen to the light side.

However, I had been into the light side a bit too short, as time was not that permitting me. I felt quite empty without it... there is a small void inside of me longing to go back to that particular time...

The dark side always seems to be tempting... I had been there and survived.. I would say, it was a one short period of time when I was still searching myself...
And, I do not think I would go back anytime sooner...

Well, in fact.. I would say, I am the corrupted man... HAHAHA, like the Haradrim...
Hmmm, yup... I find that I am in the middle, which is not great at all... As, contemplating on what to do and what not to do just become harder...

All of your principles are in question and you yourself would be as well...

I have changed... I need to accept the fact.

Computerized-brain

I just wish that my life would be simple and easy every night...

It is cumbersome to wake up in the middle of the night knowing that you wont be able to sleep anymore... No matter how hard you tried...

Plus, even if you have switched off all the lights and the surrounding is cold enough... It sure would not be enough to make you go to sleep...

Sometimes, I just wish that my brain is like the computer... Whereof if you want to shut it down, you just click on the shut down button... Simple and easy...

But, no... my electronic pulses still working, thinking and doing whats not...

It is so frustrating... I feel like dying here... literally.. my body will always have a lack of sufficient energy for me to actually function normal...

I. H.A.T.E. M.Y L.I.F.E.

Thus, sometimes, it made me thinking... maybe, Malaysia is not my supposed to be flourish place... Maybe, I have to emigrate somewhere else...

So, wait and see...

Final Examination Provisionary Result

I never felt this way before. Maybe I know that I do not want to go back and study the courses. But, I feel butterfly in my stomach. I am scared to see my result. Even though, this is not the final result. However, the feeling of failing is out of question. What I want to do now is searching for work not study. I need to get away from the study life for awhile.

Anyway, I still have to face the truth, my future, my predicament. I still have to open the portal and see how am I fairing. But, I could not bear to know if I fail. So, I am not sure whether I want to know or not.

Regardless how and what I want to do afterward, I still need to know to satisfy my hunger of curiosity... I am anxious. I am eager. I am just hoping that I will pass.

Wish me luck...

Weakness_Exposure_Publicly

We rely on our strength too much. We never want to show our weakness.

There is no one in this world would hide behind one's weakness. Always behind one's strength, because it will give you a boost of confident and capacity in doing anything.

Have you ever found anyone that would blindly walk into the street and expose oneself? NO... Everyone wants to see one's strength.

What's more, if you have a partner/soul mate [ or what-not-you-call-them ], surely they would look pass of all the flaws because of the strength. No one wants to hinge on the weakness.

In olden days, tear had been seen as a weak sign thus has been banned in the male dictionary.

Anyway, thank God in these days, male species can shed out tear, if not, I am not sure how can I express my sadness... ^_^

Coming back to my point, we will do what we can to make people to remember us for our strength, not our weakness. Because we want for them to remember us for the best of us.

Do not get me wrong, there are some people out there that love to venture into new things, and be vulnerable. The reason being is because, they know what they are doing and the thing that they are getting themselves into. Plus, they have the pleasure in doing it. So, let them be for the time being.

In our life, we try to do what we can to change out weakness into strength.

Furthermore, we try our best not to look back on our weakness, flash on a memory of our weak time. NO, these are not the time that we want to ponder our valuable time with. We want to see back on the best memory that we have. The time we share with our friends. The joy. The fun. The ecstasy. The thing that will make us grin.

We shun ourselves for our weakness but shine ourselves for our strength.

Sleeping... Insomnia ... ... ... Night... ... ...

How and what to say... I have ambivalence attraction towards night.!! Why is it easy for me to sleep in day time.. but not at night.. My eyes are wide awake... I just wish that I could sleep as easily as I had the last time...

I hate night... I hate insomnia...
Do I need to express myself more.. .with poetry maybe... hahaha

Recollection of comments...

LOLx... I do not know why... but what I know is that I do love to reminiscence on some random stuff... Now, the random stuffs would be the comments that have been written on my posts.. hahaha


Yeah, I always imagine that nobody is going to read my posts... but when I reread all of the comments, I realize that not all of the readers are people that I closely know...

P/S ... I cannot tell much whether I really know you just based on your name account... well, I do know some but not all.. yeah... I am really grateful for having you guys as my readers.. hehehe


Anyway, I felt that I did manage to affect each of my readers' life.

Thus, I just hope that I can entertain my reader's life and if possible do it daily. Something to think about, or to talk about... Yeah... Just hope to see you guys soon... ^_^

Movie with Subtitles

I love watching movies....

but, I hate whenever I open up HBO or CINEMAX, or whatsnot channel, and there is a subtitle ... No offense, I do not hate subtitle, its just that, I cannot focus on the movie if my eyes kept rolling down to read the title... Oh God, how annoying that is...

I will surely turn the subs off, but unfortunately, some do not have the off button.

Besides, I hate it if the Movie that I watch in English and the subs is in Malay. Well, no offense, I kinda do not want to read Malay subs because it would be funny... I know I might learn a new word translation but some of them might just get on my nerve if the translation is wrong...

I would prefer to read the English subs because some times, you cannot hear it clearly, especially if they are using a thick accent or colloquial words...

Anyway, just another random thing that I annoy me while watching Movie is when someone ask a lot of question.. What the hell with that? ...

E.G.. hey hey, this guy is bla bla bla right??? Isnt he also bla bla bla???
Wait, what happened here? bla bla bla????

SERIOUSLY!!! I could not focus on the freaking movie if you kept talking...
It is even worse if someone came by and start to the next person sitting near me, and talking about some UNRELATED stuff.. ahahahah... I would be REALLY IRRITATED....

YEAH!!!~~~ would not you feel it as well...

Anyway, that is all... Random annoyance in daily life... yeah!!!

Jumpstarting my life

Well, I would say that I have a lot of prerequisite that I have to meet before I could actually do anything productive. . .

People always say that I am a lazy bum who always love to play games. However, I would like to say that you are WRONG ... in a certain way.... hahahahh

LOLx, I wouldnt say that I am totally a hardworking guy who loves to do this and that. I just feel that I need the feeling, the mood, the energy, the motivation in doing it. I could not just JUMP into something without any emotion... It is NOT ME...

I kinda would say that I am a bit perfectionist freak and neat freak as well. But, I will not say that I am 100% can be categorized as them.

The reason I said/wrote that I am them is because, I could not do anything productive if the place is not conducive.

I.E if the room is in total mess.

Surely, I would not be able to do any work right. The desire would not just be there. HECK, even right now I could not be anymore productive then I could as I still cannot settle in into my room. Should I gave you the reason????

Okay, the reason being is because I cannot organize my stuff.. especially the BOOKS!!!!!!!!!! there are too many of them I cannot do anything with it. even reading, as I cannot find a place to put them. Thus, thats why I had a thought of creating a small library in my room which cannot be execute yet without any money.. As I need to buy a shelf for them... hahaha..... Oh God, dont let me talk about my clothes.... >_< too much as well. I cannot imagine how am I gonna fit it in my room. Its enough that I have a small room for myself, now I need to make a space for my clothes....! GOD, help me!...

Now, I will just make ado with what I can do in my daily basis life. It would not be any productive within any time soon. I might not be able to do any routine, or read books, translation or writing anything...

Even to write this blog needs all of my mental energy as I have to push myself in writing it...

I got to tell ya. I have a lot to write since last Friday, it just I cannot write it for some reason.... [it has been given above] ...

A few preview on what I should have written, ... Friday realization... Tonight, Last Night and Tomorrow Night analogy...

hmmm, what else, I kinda have forgotten about all ... hahaha... Oh yeah, ...
about opening another newer blog.. hahaha... this one just to tackle something basic like the different between bill and receipt... confrontation and avoidance... lend and borrow... I might even include the Night analogy in here.. I am not sure yet where it will go from there later... I have to think more about it....

Anyway, in a nearly related news, I have opened my other blog. .hahaha.. it has been officially opened. but I have not done anything much in it since I just use the basic template and all. So, not as great as you can see now.. even this blog is still mundane since I cannot do anything about the template and the design.... hahaha

anyway, I will just update you more on anything in th near future...

Until then... Hasta luego ....

Just a random thought in the early morning...

I really want to be perfect in everything that I do.

Well, at least, not academically. LOL... my mother would be furious. she always tells me to study and stuff... haishh, I love you mom, always...

Anyway, I have taken away some of the blog posts as I want to renew it.. XD like it can be renewed.. hahaha.. Renewing your license.. hehehe...

Well, Anyway, I have nothing else to post or crap on... at least not in this post because this is just a random thought...

Oh yeah, I am not sure whether I can write posts like my friends.. You know.. a bit intellectual... a bit insightful... A bit academic... haha.. i guess, it might not be my style...

So, anyway, did you guys know that I just finished my examination today.. and on the last 45 minutes before the exam ended, I was too eager to get out of the hall already.. My mind was flying all around, about the dinner, about the Movie night out... About being free from education system restriction.. .And about the poem that I want to write on.. Oh yeah, I have finished it.. heheh. it might not seem to be that good but it is just okay I guess.. I tried to corporate all of the learning that I have got from my previous literature courses.. i would never have thought to write it like that.. .

Thus, I can say that my mind has been opened and my eyes can see the world better. Thank you, my beloved-lecturers.. I hope I can see all of you in the near future..

Anyway, I would like to thank my coursemates.. We have went through a hellish years together.. Hopefully, all of you guys keep in touch with each others.. Thank you for the lovely memories.. ^_^

Formatting-Cleaning-Sorting-Cleansing-Purging-[and all of the near synonyms]

Anyway, I do not like some of my previous post... You know, about the ranting, and all. I kinda feel that I will do some of change into it. Yeah. So, I would not feel worst about myself,

In another nearly related news, I surely will try not to back stab people [IN BLOG], because, well... I kinda hate doing so, Yeah.... Anyway, nothing new much...

Heck, I lied, there are a lot of new news in my life... Dramas.. LOL.... ... TOO MUCH... this semester especially. Hey, I really do not want to say anything about it...

I just hope that ALL PARTIES will play fair and square. I know that some parties are LOSING, but heck, currently, I am in the winning party.. hhehehe..... OPSSS, I should not say anything else.. I just hope that everyone will be happy with the result as I am actually not happy with this ending in my life.

Because I am a person who love to look back and see all the memories. It would be painful to look at it in the next years...

Anyway, I do not want to dwell on that issue yet.. Well, not in this post at least... =P

Back to the previous topic that I was talking writing about, I will change everything, WELL, at least some of the post. I want it to make and see better.. hehehe.. You guys just look forward for it. .hohhooho.. it would be something different... kikikiki...

Past. Present. Future.

[Past]
I am always like a bird in a nest,
Got caught in the branch,
Falling off whenever I unintentionally can.

As much as I love adventure, outdoor activities, extreme sport, but I do have my limitation. My mental impossibility. My physical flexibility. My societal capacity.

Some will say I am optimistic but others might differ it. I have too many poker faces that I do not know which one I am in the end. I believe that I adapt myself to the situation.

I love actually to look at all of the memories and cherish it till I can. and I do believe in the word of Robert Frost in The Road Not Taken poem.

Robert Frost
The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

If you asked me whether I have done anything that I have regretted or not. I will tell you I have done a few that I wish I could change it. Its not just about an event that I have done, it is also about event that I did not give my opinion, or make my move. I regretted till now, and I am anxious and nearly shed my tear whenever I thought of it.

But, what can I do now except to accept the fact that has taken place and happened. Tis hath marr'd my life for so long that I just could not accept it. Yes, I am still in a denial state. In an unbalance state of mind. It does bug me whenever I think or do or just make any kind of decision.


[Present]
To fail is just a test,
Passing it will be a plus,
Be average and be contented,

I have done what I could. Well, at least what I want to do. My life is not dull nor exciting. But, I do make the best out of it. Some would say I am lazy; Yes I know procrastinating is one of my sin. Which I tried to eliminate without any success and I kind of getting tired of it.

I love moderate life, I love just to do at least in the minimal standard that I should do. Its not that I hate to do the best, it is just that, it would be 100X harder, as I sometimes love perfection in my work.

Whenever I see something, it will arouse my imagination and creativity. However, I would not do anything about it, as it would just linger in my mind for a few seconds, minutes, hours or even up to days.

It is a sad thing to see it disappear. [fullstops] ... no excuses on that one.

Anyway, I tend to have a short term goal in my everyday life. I can do one thing at a time, even though I pushed myself so hard to do 2, at the end of the day, it would be only one.. .ahaha...

In any case, I tried to change myself for better. I tried to explore other things on my own.

Yeah, I know one thing, I will surely would not be able to catch up with the fast developed technology... plus, with the RECENT news. I am really tired of it already. The prolong hatred. I am seriously have no comment and hate to comment on it.

In different news, I just get to know on how to put picture and link.. LOLx..

On the other hand, I still do not know how to make a more attractive blog post and track it more efficiently.


[Future]
Fly high above the ground,
Soar far and never look behind,
Always go forward and to your paradise,

Gladly, I will be finishing my studying within few days more,
then, I will be free to roam and work.

Anyway, as I have told you in my facebook and anywhere that you have read my post.
Its not that I hate to learn and gain knowledge, it just that I hate to study for examination. It sucks the fun out of learning.

I am trying to chase everything that I have ever wanted and I hope it is really going accordingly on what I have planned... I am so eager to get out of this country. Its not in the sense of leaving my homeland, but rather to travel and see the world. I really need to enlarge my horizon. Living here is not conducive for especially if I want to be a writer.

I do not want to be regretful when I am older. As I am thinking of doing a lot of things. Thus, by getting the job in AirAsia, it actually opened up many possibilities for me.

I will try be bolder in my life, I do not want to be someone on the background anymore. I just hope that the choice that I will make later will be more positive and benefit me more than do me harm.

I think my future path has been arranged properly now, one pawn has been moved and waiting for another more. But examination and procrastination are DAMN hard opponents to beat. I will try to move slower so I will be safer.

Gloria Gaynor
I Will Survive

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

BLOG - Blogging

Actually, I have love the idea of blogging.

After a while, I get the hang of it, but right now I have another dilemma.

Yes, one after another, as always, it is within human nature.

Besides, its not that I am really good using blog... I am still not sure on how to add picture or link to this thing.. @_@ because I am still confused with it... Plus, I seriously cannot see things that my friends told me about...

Anyway, oh yeah, the real reason that I want to write is to say that I kinda hate blog because we cannot track the thing we post.

What I mean is that when we have posted like 1000+ posts, its hard for us to check back and know what we have done/said in the previous post.

That is when I thought that I need to make a new blog for my other stuffs. Hmmm, but as always, I am not sure when I actually want to put it.. hahahah

Because, if you know me, juggling with one thing is hard, how can I juggle with more than one ...

Yes, you might say I am contradicting myself as I join many stuffs, but if you look carefully, have I excelled in any of the things that I have been doing [except playing games] ... LOLx...

Sometimes, I feel that I will be a TOTAL nobody... That is why, I love and try to be a somebody in my friends' memory.

Shoot, I kind of astray from the topic.. *sweat* ...

Anyway, I am just saying, I think I need to make another blog. It is a place where I will put all my poems into. So, it is easier for me to look back and read on it.

Yeah, I should do it.

Heck, I am still do not know how to do anything fancy in blog like my friends. T_T

Maybe, blogging is not my immediate turf. I will just have to hang around a little longer perhaps. Perhaps not. We will see on it.

New blogs, new commitment, new efforts

Yeah!!... I was thinking of opening 2 more blogs..

I know it might be too much but I think I need to organize it as it would be better such way.

Hmm, but I am not sure whether I want to share it or make it private or ... yeah...

LOL, why in the hell I want to write it in blog if I want to make it private right?

SO, I might as well make it public... hmmmm.. I am just waiting for the moment for the blogs to be done. I need more ideas.... You guys just wait for it...

And, I am sure that you will just follow one of the blog only as the other one would be more... hmmm... how to put it.... it would be more... Gruesome? Gothic? I am not sure .... It would NOT be appropriate for the weak mind.. Yeah, I think that is better.

AHHAHA. but the other new one, the one that you probably follow, it would be more inspiring and better I guess.. hahaha

Anyway, I think you guys just wait for the new blogs yeah? hahaha... But Im not sure when I am going to do it.. hehe.. until then.

At last... A new post from my own room...

Well, I actually have a fruit of thought to be put in here, but then it kinda slipped off my mind. Anyway, I think I do not have the desire to study/ learn anymore through education system.

I mean, I love to read and all, but I just hate the fact that someone pushing me to read something. I will be totally not interested in the respected field. Seriously, I hate it..

I am just eager to finish my days in university now. I love university and all, but I hate the time restriction... I want to do MANY things, I am interested to do A LOT of things. but I hate it when people start saying 'Azri, read this, and that' ..... urfgghhh!!! so frustrating.

Its not that I have anything against it... but well, I do actually have something against it.. haaha... I just cannot freaking remember any informations if someone asked me to read something thats not out of my sheer own will...

Anyway, early morning is the best time to be awake...I mean, this time.. around 2am to 5am... It is just heaven. the silent moment is just too precious to be passed... but unfortunately, then again, it actually, make me to have bad health. My face would start to have pimples and become oily. In fact, my hair will start to fall even more and I would not have enough energy to stay awake in the day time. But I dare say, my understanding does increase ten-fold. However, my perception towards surrounding decrease a bit.

In not a related news, I actually already remembered on the thing that I want to post now. And I am not sure whether I want to continue in here or make a new post... Haissh... haha....

Nahhh.. I scratch that idea from this post as I do not think it is something worthed to be shared. Its not like the person that I am directing the post to will read it. Like, you are busy working now and searching for money. and will be graduating really soon. Heck, well.. sharing too much will be bad for me socially.. hahaha...

So, yeah. I think I accidentally crapping about something else rather than talking about something that I should have... Right? hahah..

Eager to put word in

I have been wanting to go blogging for ages now.. .hahaha this is the first time when I felt really eager to put word in here..

I have many things to update on but nothing much to say since I cannot use the internet connection in my room. Maybe due to my laptop capability. Anyway, I am damn bored. Is this the first time I am talking about someone else? hmmm, I wonder what will happen to me in future time. I will vouch to myself, if in any way I will be a teacher or a lecturer, I WILL NOT BE A LOUSY EDUCATOR...

I see potential in all of the new generation and its a pity as most of them will fall in the fissure of hell.

I do believe that without a solid base, one will fall easily. and I believe that I am not a strong leader nor educator to shape the new generation capability so they would be in their highest potential.

This sucks, I want to crap and rant about other things but unfortunately, I cannot do it since I am not in my room. hahahah... and NO FREAKING PRIVACY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I guess, even in my room nowadays, man, I hate the freaking guys who enter my room and use my stuffs without using my approval, heck even open the door before I could give greeting or reply anything....

One more thing, I AM NOT YOUR FREAKING BESTIES for you to actually, SIT ON MY BED and USE MY STUFFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I love the fact that my room is on a high level, 8th... Its high right,.... ^_^

Well, got to go... hahahaha.. do not want to be caught red-handed.. hahaha

A silver lining. A small hope in a small thing.

I know this is nothing, but just now, I saw a small hope that I have been waiting for. Its something that have been given me a big impact throughout this few weeks or days for that matter. I am not sure how long its has been.

Since the rise of facebook, I always aware that, it will play a vital role in everyone's life. People start to depend on it 24/7. Get update with friends, and know more people. Play games, rant about something. I found that, my life has been controlled by facebook in a way as well.

Seriously, I have been looking on the search and browse bars for days now. and, it really did happen. the miraculous thing that I have been waiting for...

But, I am glad that it is going to be just a dark memory. and I will try to be careful the next time.

I wished that, it didnt happen. but as long as there is a cure, I will be on to it. One of my friends said that I should just go with the thing that I want to do, but I always doubt it would work. and I need to plan things carefully. She also said that just give in to time.

And at first.. I seriously didnt believe on what she said... I just hope that time will cure the wound back and seal it off from my memories. Far far Far far away...

But, I know that, I also need to put my own effort into it.

God truly will close one door and open another, but it is up to us whether we want to move and make the effort to take the opportunity... I just hope that God gives me hint on when to tackle this calamity. this prolong problem. One of my friends, he said that, he always tried to tackle this issue ASAP. but what can I say, he is a CHOLERIC kind of person, and I am just a Phlegmatic plus Melancholic...

Anyway, this small hope, I will try to use it at the best. I wish the outcome will be good. I wish the dark period will pass quickly, really. hahaha T_T

Well, this is it. the time that I have been waiting for. Wish me luck and hope the outcome will be positive.

^_^

Be different, Be yourself, Be a change for someone else.

I do not know how to start this.

Maybe my way of doing thing is not the best, and maybe I am not good at all in it.

I wish I can lead people. I never lead people at all in my life, I was and am always being a follower.

I love to listen more than to talk even though I love to debate/argue about certain.

Sometimes, or not sometimes, EVERYTIMES, I always see flaw in myself.

I always tell people that I am not that too confident in my skill/strength and anything that I do.

Because I have self-criticism over 80%... which is VERY BAD. and I seriously cannot do anything about it. I have seen consultant. I have bought books and read them. Still none.

I wish I could do better, I want to do better. Every time before I go to bed, I chant to myself this few things. I am hardworking, I am confident, I am smart. I never feel comfortable with anything that I do. UNEASE UNEASE UNEASE...

I do find joy in anything that interest me, regardless, as long as I AM the one that FOUND it. I cannot be pushed in doing anything even reading.

Obviously I tried to change. Who wants to be a low self esteem phlegmatic melancholic introvert guy. Only stupid people do.

I tried to be friendlier and more confident. FAILED!

So, What can I say, what can I do? I wish I just could go out there and say what is in my mind. But, NO, I cannot. I can do harder. I will do harder next time.

Life must goes on, if you a jelly, you cannot be a concrete [cement], even as much as you compressed yourself, your physique would never be as solid as a concrete [cement].

I always say that I prefer if people say it honestly to me in front rather at the back, which is true.

I hate to lie, who does, thats why I always believe in the Golden Rule. Yes, I know that I sometimes lie, but I would not feel proud of it. I will try to amend it in a way, and sometimes I do tell the person that I lied to him/her.

Well, whats more to say, I do not regret it telling people what I have thought about them, or what I see in life. I wish people can live together even though they have different PERSPECTIVE about idea.

Just, a normal man. a normal guy. ME ...

P/S : yes,I wish that I am different.

Valentine's Day with my Love life

Since its going to be Valentine's day soon, I just to express something. There are only a few people know this, and yes, very very few.

I am always in dilemma if we talked about being in a relationship as currently, I am at a fork road. I do not know which one that I want to take.

Due we are living in a world where society matter [ to me it matters ], and people tend to give a false impression whenever they get the chance, I never did bulged from the place I am standing now. One move will make a HUGE different and change in my life.

I am at lost. Both moves will just made me at total lost. That is why I always created an escape route which is to be neutral/free/not taking side/do nothing.

Well, I do believe that doing nothing is a choice and a valuable choice. If you see in Avatar, Book 2 - Bumi advised Aang to seek an instructor skilled in neutral jing, or doing nothing (as Bumi himself put it, someone who "waits and listens")...

HAhahHa, some might reject this, well everyone will reject it when I say this to myself.. LOLx... anyway, thats what I think, so... yup... ^_^

Anyway, I am still considering the danger of the path and which one do I want to take and what to expect and to do.. you know, those menial things that one needs to do before picking side...LOL .. I HATE chooses....