The True Confession of a Lame Man

I was trying so hard to make myself look very strong sturdy and alive...I belief to myself that I can go through this... I tried to make people to believe that I am just sitting here, feeling nothing inside. But, every night, I actually could not sleep. I have these restless thought for the future hold... It has been how many months since I was unable to stand on my feet.... THREE SOLID MONTHS... I should have healed by now, but, I am not sure why... I am still disable... hopeless... I cried myself to bed, nearly every night whenever I miss my friends events or any happening thing that I could go, to be apart of. I really want to share the moment with everyone... Yet, I could only sit in front of my laptop and read status updates and posts, see pictures, and watch uploaded videos... I missed a lot of things... I am a friend person... I feel that I need to be a part of that moment... and whenever I could not be one, I will feel under the weather... Like right now... no comment needed there, I feel really ashamed... I could not go to my juniors and friends performances... Conventions that I wish to go... I feel that I am pretty useless...

People always say that they have a problem, and I would not say that mine is any larger than yours. However, I am not a strong willed man. Whenever I think of my next surgery... I feel quite scared... I will be given big shot on my spinals ... and insertion of needle on my hands... I could feel it now... Plus, feeling the doctors taking my blood to take the hemoglobin is painful enough... I an just not sure whether I can get through it...

But, I do wish that I can get through it and be happy and get on with my life... I want to travel and do art... I want to fly away and be free... I feel that I am really earth bound...  I feel that people look at me as someone hopeless and unable to do anything for myself... I am just lame temporarily... I will walk again soon... 

I am not going to be sad anymore... I will not be down... I hate to be under the weather... I had my negative moment once, in HTAA.... It was the first week when I met with the accident.... I was actually in the toilet and it was rather slippery, and I fell... that moment, I was really down, and nearly burst to cry... I was totally demotivated... I just could not believe that it happened to me... I always ask God why it happened to me... Why did I do to deserve this... I have always try to be friendly, nice and good thought towards people... I tried, I really do...  TT_TT

Anyway, that night, I myself, tried to get myself together by writing a poem... which it did make me feel better... Thus, I slept with red eyes and dried tears on my face.

This is the story of my life... a bed ridden man... stuck doing nothing but only to watch my friends success and my students growth...

Because, happiest memories are the priceless thing that everyone cannot buy... and I always cherish them always... does not matter how short did I spend with the person... I will remember it always... ^_^

Even though, how I much hate ground transport.. and even more for sea transport... I do feel that, travelling is one of the best thing to do... as I did that once... to visit my friends around Malaysia... and I miss doing so... looking forward to do it again... soon I hope... really soon...

Held my chin high and my head straight, to look forward for the future... ^_^